Selfish vs. Self Absorbed

I had some fascinating and energetic conversations both online and off this week that started as shared reactions to my post The Cookie Jar Principle. The concept of giving more than you receive in your relationships (both on an individual level as well as in the context of community) seems to really resonate with people and in some cases strikes a sore nerve. Interestingly, many of the email exchanges, phone conversations and blog discussions I participated in this week had a common thread – People were reflecting on personal experience and expressing strong feelings about cookie jar offenders who were either selfish or self absorbed. In a number of cases, one term was used as a substitute for the other so I thought I’d share my thoughts on why they are different, and why the difference is so important when dealing with someone who takes more from you than they give…

In general, self absorbed should be used to describe people who are consistently preoccupied (for whatever reason) with their own thoughts, interests, etc.and selfish should be used to label people who care only for themselves and their interests, benefits, welfare etc and behave in a calculated way.

At first glance these two terms seem identical, because the cause is common to both (based on self-interest) and the effect is also common to both (results in a lack of connection to, or empathy with, others). The difference, however, can be found if you analyze intent and why someone is ruled by self-interest.

In most cases, we find that almost all people who are consistently selfish are also self absorbed, but not necessarily the other way around. It’s like the old saying “a square is a rectangle, but a rectangle isn’t necessarily a square”. Self absorbed people who you wouldn’t call “selfish” are simply those that are preoccupied (A LOT) with what they’ve got going on in their brains and hearts in relation to any given situation. These people generally cannot override the impulse to think intensely about themselves, and are generally the type of people who are prone to heavy introspection and self analysis. They also tend to constantly remind everyone around them of their good and bad qualities, what they’re feeling etc. and relate their context to their internal condition without much regard for the dispositions, opinions or feelings of others. When people spend an unbalanced amount of their mental energy on self analysis and introspection, they generally have little left for others, and tend to give the feelings of others less consideration or weight when they make decisions. The result is that they may come off as having acted selfishly when the cause isn’t necessarily malicious because they may not have been aware of the other people’s feelings (etc) at all.

This stands in stark contrast to people who are truly selfish. We should reserve this term for people who are actively conscious of the dispositions, opinions or feelings of others in a situation and STILL act in ways that benefit only themselves. The bottom line is that intent, as well as awareness, matters so chose your labels wisely.